Characters: HANK, GARY, JACOB, ARTHUR, DENISE, MARCO, BOB, TRENT, DIANE.
Setting: A large empty field in rural Tennessee.
HANK: Days 1 and 2 of the Battle Re-enactment were great, guys. But let’s make day 3 the best one ever. We have a couple school groups scheduled and a few families, too. You guys have been working really, really hard and I want to remind you guys to dig deep. You will get tired, but you are strong.
GARY: I’ve worked at a lot of battlegrounds and this is the most realistic re-enactment I’ve ever been to.
HANK: We’ve got a busy schedule today- our busiest yet. From 11 a.m. - 8 p.m. we’re gonna be sitting right here in this field, while cannons go off 50 miles away. Remember, just think about how miserable it was to be on the battlefield. Blisters –
JACOB: Gunshot wounds.
GARY: Mosquito bites.
JACOB: Dysentery.
GARY: Slightly chilly temperatures.
HANK: That reminds me–we can’t make it rain today. But just imagine it. It was always raining.
JACOB: (looks at GARY’s feet.): Hey, Gary, why are your socks dry? “It’s been raining,” remember? (dumps water on his feet).
GARY: What the–
JACOB: Everyone’s feet were moist except yours. Now we’re all in it together.
HANK: If you happen to get an infection from this, don’t worry. Go over to the infirmary. Denise, hey, come over here for a second.
DENISE: (kneels down to tie her shoe, stands back up in a way that is a little suggestive, and also reveals a sliver of her ankle. GARY and JACOB look at her, and GARY whistles.) Don’t get any ideas fellas, I’m a realistic nurse. I’m ugly and married.
GARY: Damn it. At least I’ve got Sheila back home. (Pulls out daguerreotype, stares at it longingly and then presses it to his chest).
HANK: Everybody, get out your daguerreotypes. This is on the schedule as “reminisce about loved one and wonder if you have forgotten what affection feels like.”
JACOB: I have. (takes out his daguerreotype and looks longingly at it as well. GARY leans over and takes a peek.)
GARY: She’s so hot!
JACOB: That’s my sister!
GARY: Is anyone else getting hungry?
JACOB: Yeah, but I’m being tough about it.
HANK: Well we have some boiled pork and salted vegetables.
GARY: Can I order mac n cheese?
HANK: No. Look, in two weeks we might see battle. Let’s take this seriously. Gary, I need you. I’m placing you in charge of the regiment.
ARTHUR: Gary?
HANK: His dad’s rich.
GARY: You’re so right. Ok, here’s our battleplan: we’re gonna spread out in one long horizontal line and walk very slowly and deliberately like we’re one mind. Don’t shoot until I give the order. They won’t know what hit ‘em.
ARTHUR (from a distance shouting): Just putting it out there, I have some experience with strategy. I think it’s really important to take the topography of the landscape into account. We would have an advantage is we positioned ourselves uphill, with better visibility. The horizontal line approach might leave us vulnerable.
HANK: Sorry Arthur, if you were white, we could take this advice. I’m not being racist. We’re just trying to be as realistic as possible here.
ARTHUR: Seriously guys, we’re best friends outside of this weekend. Can’t I come over?
HANK: No, Arthur, it’d ruin the illusion.
GARY: Marco, you’re gonna get the honor of carrying the flag. (Hands him the flag)
MARCO: Wait. There’s 50 stars on this flag. There should only be 33.
(Gary rips off 17 stars in one motion)
GARY: There. Marco, you’ll probably be shot first. In that case, Jacob, you’ll take the flag, but if you get shot then give it to Brian, unless Brian’s operating the sniper rifle, then give it to Ian, but remember Ian has asthma! So if he’s out of breath then give it to Petey, who’ll be doing back up for Chris, and then hand it to Ben, okay?
HANK: It won’t get that far. Don’t worry! Guys let’s document this occasion just like they used to. I brought a camera.
(Everyone sits down dysfunctionally. Gary front and center.)
HANK: Hold really, really still. For the next minute. (Way too long a pause.)
HANK: Gary you moved!
GARY: My mosquito bite itched! (in a happier voice) But hey, I think my socks are drying! (Jacob immediately re-dumps water onto his feet)
Family of VISITORS enters–Trent, a middle schooler, and his two parents, Bob and Diane.
BOB: Oh gosh! Did we just miss the battle?
DIANE: I knew we shouldn’t have stopped for breakfast.
HANK: Uh, no, no, nono, nonono. We’re one of the standard regiments - we don’t have a battle planned for a while. We’re defending this field.
TRENT: From whom?
HANK: Attackers.
BOB: This isn’t what we had in mind! The Civil War was the bloodiest in American history - all about battles and guns and people dying left and right!
TRENT: And Ken Burns!
HANK: You won’t find any of that here. There are cannons 50 miles away.
DIANE (To Bob): Honey, we should go.
BOB: Not without getting our money back. We paid 50 dollars.
HANK: (hands them a wad of confederate bills). Here.
BOB: Wait, what? These are worthless.
TRENT: Woah, confederate bills! These guys have an eye for detail. Well based on the monetary inflation since 1864 the cost would have multiplied by 2.7 times! So we’ll have to divide it, and with the new level of tax it would be —
BOB: That’s enough. We need to go see something worthwhile.
Trent, Bob, and Diane exit.
HANK: We don’t need them. Alright guys, back to work! Look sharp!
(Everyone gets up, sits back down.)